Last week, NPR shared a story on Morning Edition about “Cancer Ghosting” and the impact it has on survivors. While this term was new to us, the phenomenon was not. The story highlights the experiences of survivors who had both family and friends disappear following their diagnosis. As I read, I found myself nodding my head or saying, “Yep,” because the same thing happened to us.

Almost two years after Duncan’s diagnosis, there are family members and friends we’ve never heard from, others who initially reached out only to disappear before he had even started treatment, and some who gradually distanced themselves as the months and years went on. As Arif Kamal, chief patient officer at the American Cancer Society says in the story, “Cancer is a rallying factor for some, not all. But there’s an expiration date to that rally.”

This story really hit home. While I wish this weren’t something that needed to be discussed, it does need to be discussed because it happens more often than you might think. As Carissa Hodgson is quoted as saying, “Nearly every patient has a story of being ghosted by people they’re close to.”

We have found this to be the case ourselves, as well as for many of our friends who have been impacted by cancer or another life-changing condition. In addition to being ghosted, several of us also had the experience of rumors being spread during one of the most challenging periods in our lives. As is discussed in the NPR story, these experiences were often more painful than the actual treatments and related side effects, and far more challenging to process.

As we prepare to begin a new year, many of us make resolutions. I hope one of these resolutions could be to think about the people in our lives that might need us to show up for them and ways in which we can do so. This can be as simple as sending a text message to check in on how their day is going or to share something that might make them smile. For more ideas, visit the Ways We Care and Resources for Caregivers and Supporters pages of our site. 

For those who have experienced this, I highly recommend the When Our Closest People Don't Show Up episode of the In Sickness podcast. It has been painful and difficult for us to come to terms with this experience. However, in the process, we realized that our relationships with other people were strengthened in ways we could not have imagined. Focusing on these relationships, helps to ease the pain of losing others.

One of my resolutions for next year is to continue to find ways to evolve Lavender, Licorice, & Thyme to provide support for caregivers and teens navigating a partner/parent’s cancer. If this is something you would like to be involved in, please contact us at lavenderlicoriceandthyme@gmail.com.