“Those valentines still need to be purchased.”
I am a planner. I always have been. The day of Duncan’s colonoscopy was no different. I had a plan.
Except, that day was entirely different, and the plan went out the window by 9:00 am.
Never having done this before, I based my plan on the experiences of other people I knew who had. We would go get breakfast once he had woken up from the anesthesia, since he’d be starving. I had taken the day off, so I would squeeze a dentist’s appointment in between getting him home and picking our daughter up from school. Then, she and I would run to Target to get the valentines she needed for her class exchange.
But, that’s not what happened. By 9:00 am, we knew he had cancer. We had no idea how advanced it was or what would happen next, but the pictures the doctor handed me did not look good, and the fact that it was big enough that he couldn’t get past it with the smallest scope he had was not reassuring. So, after getting Duncan home, my first call was to the dentist’s office. As I tried to explain why I needed to cancel my appointment, tears started flowing. It was the very first time I said the words I would come to say countless times, “My husband was just diagnosed with cancer.”
The receptionist was clearly not expecting to hear me say those words and canceled the appointment without any mention of their same-day cancellation policy. For the rest of the afternoon, I called family members and texted friends the news we had unexpectedly received. Duncan and I made a plan to tell the kids at dinner and email their teachers. He tried to rest while dealing with complications from the procedure and his tumor. Then, it was time to pick up Paige; and she still needed those valentines.
So… I dried my eyes, got in the car, and did my best to pretend everything was normal knowing as soon as we got home, her whole world would change.
I am still a planner, but I’ve learned a lot about pivoting and dealing with whatever comes my way. I’ve also learned that life doesn’t stop because you’ve received life-changing news. Those valentines still need to be purchased. The kids still have homework to do. There are forms to fill out and payments to be made. All the things you were trying to balance are still there, you’ve just added a new, enormously large item to your plate.
Ideas to consider:
This can add to the feeling of overwhelm often experienced in the initial days, weeks, and months following a life-changing diagnosis or event. Consider one or two tangible ways you can help take something off of the caregiver’s plate and make a specific offer of help.
Providing specific options for how you’re able to help can ease the burden on the caregiver more so than saying, “Let me know how I can help.”
There are many ways to help from a distance.
Gift cards and delivery services like DoorDash, Uber Eats, etc… can be a helpful way to support with meals and household needs.
Your loved one might want to establish services to help with routine household needs like cleaning or lawn care. Offering to research and arrange these types of services takes administrative tasks off the caregiver’s plate at a time when they are likely swamped with new and existing responsibilities.
People tend to check in frequently at the beginning asking questions, seeking updates, and looking for ways to help. While it can be comforting to hear from so many people, it can also take a lot of time and energy to answer all of those requests for information. If you are able, offer to be a point person for the family, answering questions, providing updates, and sharing specific ways others can help.