I have yet to meet a parent who says, "The teen years were the absolute easiest!" or an adult who says, "I really wish I could go back to middle school!" There may be some out there for whom these were carefree, easy years to navigate either as a teen or a parent, but I'm not one of them.
I remember the teen years being characterized by a range of emotions such as anticipation about an upcoming dance; anxiety over tryouts and auditions; stress about tests, grades, and making honor roll; navigating the ups and downs of friendships and peer pressure; and the excitement and heartbreak of crushes, dates, and first loves. While many of these same experiences exist for teens today, there is so much more they have to navigate in a far more digital landscape than the one that existed when I was a teen. The pressures and stresses can be intense. Add a cancer diagnosis to the mix, and things can really go topsy turvy.
Our kids were just entering the teen years when cancer became a driving force in our household. As the first phase of chemotherapy ended, our oldest graduated from middle school and our youngest from elementary school. As each transitioned to a new school, they tried to balance increased academic expectations, meeting new people, trying new activities, and supporting their dad through chemotherapy, radiation treatments, and hospitalizations following major surgeries. Their classmates couldn't relate to what they were experiencing, and the last thing they wanted was to stand out or be different. This meant they didn't really talk much about what was happening or how they were feeling about it, but the stress came out in other ways.
As a mom, I tried my best to keep things as normal as I could for them, while acknowledging that our situation was not typical and I couldn't change that. Now, I can better see all they have to navigate as teens, which is a lot, plus all the stress that cancer and its long-lasting impacts add to that.
Connecting with other kids also coping with a parent's cancer turned out to be more helpful than I think either of them initially thought it would. Virtual support groups through Kesem and Pickles Group provided an opportunity for connection and to process thoughts and feelings about their dad's cancer and treatment, but the experience of Camp Kesem was truly the most amazing gift to our kids. Not only did they get to have a sleepaway camp experience, but they got to share it with kids that could relate to what they were dealing with both as teens and as kids whose parent had cancer. It allowed them to see they weren't alone in this experience, while also taking them out of the house and away from the day to day experience of living with cancer for a few days.
While kids and teens impacted by a parent's cancer will continue to navigate things most of their classmates and friends will not, there are ways we can help support them year-round:
Offer to take them to do something fun for a few hours. Wonderful neighbors of ours took our kids to the movies or to get ice cream every once in a while. These were much appreciated breaks for everyone, and the kids really enjoyed these experiences.
Send them a little something "just because." Sometimes friends or family would send candy, puzzles, or games out of the blue. You never know when a really tough day is going to come around, and these gestures were especially appreciated on those days.
Unless they bring up the topic of cancer or how their parent is doing, it may be best to refrain from asking about it. While it is natural to want to know and show that you care about how they or their parent are doing, this can add to the feeling of being different or bring up uncomfortable thoughts or emotions for them. In my experience, it is best to let them drive the conversation by choosing a topic they are interested in and comfortable discussing.
Don't think that the stresses of cancer end when treatment does. Persistent and permanent side effects can cause ongoing complications and frustration, and surveillance scans often bring up feelings of anxiety as fears of recurrence resurface. Consider continuing to offer simple outings or treats, especially during the weeks leading up to surveillance scan results.