“I’ll post an update as soon as I finish…”
In the thick of Duncan’s treatments, I often felt like the Energizer bunny. I kept going, and going, and going, and going… Similarly, I could feel my “battery power” diminishing as the days, weeks, and months ticked by, and did my best to recharge when I could. Often, this looked like taking a few minutes to journal or read before collapsing into bed after getting things done from before sunrise until well after sunset.
Duncan’s chemo was among the strongest they give and caused many side effects. We made it our mission to keep things as normal as possible for the kids, and he tried his best to contribute when and how he could. However, there were many days when he was down for the count, and it was on me to do it all. I continued to work full-time throughout his treatment, only taking a few weeks off following each of his surgeries when he was initially hospitalized, couldn't drive, and required more of my care.
The kids were playing hockey on multiple teams and participating in fine arts activities at school, along with our oldest starting to work. This meant their transportation needs were at an all-time high, and there were many days where I found myself driving the same route to and from the rink 6-8 times in one day!
Once I would get home from work or from driving the kids places, the household responsibilities would kick in. I would check on Duncan and get him anything he needed, then make dinner, clean dishes, check on homework, straighten up around the house, do laundry, check emails, fill out school forms, etc... Once these tasks were completed, I would often sit down to write an update for our Caring Bridge page.
Updating others on their loved one’s condition and their needs is another responsibility that often falls to the caregiver. There are questions to answer, calls to make, texts to send, or updates to write to let others know how things are progressing and how they can help. While this helps keep people connected and apprised of the latest, it requires time, thought, and energy that are already limited. Personally, I have never navigated more things at one time than I did in those days. My body kicked into survival mode and just kept going. That takes a toll, however, especially when you need to stay in that mode for an extended period of time.
Ideas to consider:
You might offer to be a point person for the caregiver to help communicate updates to others. For example, Caring Bridge allows you to set up co-authors. As a co-author, you could draft an update for the caregiver to review and post later. This takes some of the work off of the caregiver’s plate, while still providing an opportunity to decide what and when the family wants to share with their larger support network.
You might also offer to provide updates directly to extended family members or friends, particularly during potentially high stress situations like surgeries or hospitalizations. This allows the caregiver to focus more on caring for themselves and their loved ones.
When sending supportive messages, consider adding the phrase, "no need to respond." This shows the caregiver you know they are dealing with a lot and want to show them you care without adding something else to their plate.
During Duncan’s hospitalizations and the weeks that followed, I asked for help with meals and transportation for the kids. I don’t know how we would have gotten through those weeks without that layer of support. If you are able, offer to help with these kinds of needs when you can.