“My friend had the same kind of cancer you did, and he didn’t complain about it.”

This comment was made toward my husband during a conversation related to his experiences with treatments, surgeries, and their aftermath. It took me a while to get beyond the harsh and dismissive nature of this sentiment. As I did, I found myself thinking about the role comparison played and how that can contribute to the validation or invalidation of someone’s experience.

When we make comparisons, we often don’t have the full picture. As a result, our comparisons may be unfair, inaccurate, and unhelpful. The more I thought about the comment that had been made, the more questions I had about the comparison at the heart of it. First, I wondered how much this friend had shared about his experience. Did he want to share details of his experience, or did he prefer to keep them private? Did he feel safe sharing details with this person, or did he have someone else in whom he confided? People can have many reasons for why they do or do not share information with someone. The danger comes when we assume we, as an outsider, know the full story. There’s a phrase I’ve heard several times in recent years that captures this beautifully which is, “If you’ve known one person with cancer, you’ve known one person with cancer.” 

What this phrase captures so well is the unique nature of this disease and how it plays out for any given person. While this friend may have had a very different experience than my husband’s, this doesn’t take away from the reality of his experience. Rather than comparing one to another, wouldn’t it be more supportive to accept what the person experiencing it is telling you is their reality? What is the harm in validating someone’s experiences even if they sound different than what someone else has told you about theirs? What would happen if we gave one another the gift of unconditional acceptance, validation, and support? 

While it’s probably unrealistic to expect we’ll never engage in comparison, maybe we can work on avoiding the comparison conundrum by noticing when we are starting to make a comparison and instead reframing our thinking. Acknowledging the vulnerability it takes for someone to share a difficult experience with us, listening without judgement, validating their experience, and showing compassion can go a long way in supporting someone going through a difficult time.